


does anyone know how to work twitter?

by moonjuicewiththepresident



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Peter Parker, Bisexual Tony Stark, Deaf Clint Barton, Everyone Is Gay, Identity Reveal, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Michelle Jones, Peter Parker is Tony Stark's Biological Child, Peter Parker is a Mess, They're all messes, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Trans Peter Parker, Twitter, a tiny bit of angst every once and a while, because fuck you that's why, but it works i guess, but it's healthy for a relationship, c'mon man even flash knows, flash is a decent human being, fuck you, harley's a dumbass who doesn't know peter's spiderman, i can't believe that's a tag, i make the law baby, just them doing stupid things, okay i lied every title is going to be a lizzo reference, things are really goint to kick off soon, wow discoveries, wow rare, y'know because reasons, yeah i got very bored, yeah one of the chapter name's a lizzo song
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2020-05-31 10:37:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19424263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonjuicewiththepresident/pseuds/moonjuicewiththepresident
Summary: Peter does things on Twitter and events occur.no one wanted this but here we are anyways





	1. the stabbenings

beter @beterbarker  
things are Not Good™ 

May the force be with you @guyinthechair  
What did you do?

beter @beterbarker  
mistakes

mj @yourenotallowed  
@stark come get your man

Tony Stark @stark  
@beterbarker Peter, what did you do this time?

beter @beterbarker  
not good things. mistakes have been made.

*****************************************************

Private Message  
Tony Stark and beter 

Tony Stark: Kid, what happened.

beter: knives are weird

Tony Stark: Is that all?

beter: anyway ones in my leg

Tony Stark: Jesus Christ, kid. Can you describe who stabbed you?

beter: yeah he wasn’t very friendly

Tony Stark: Just come home.

beter: ok

***************************************************************************************

Avengers Updates @AvengersUpdates  
In recent news, @stark now follows @beterbarker, a seemingly random highschool student. Could this person be Tony Stark’s secret child?

Spiderman Updates! @smupdates  
Despite reports of being stabbed in the leg, Spiderman was seen swinging into Stark Towers!

gus @augustgloop  
uh yeah he practically lives there now

Pepper Potts @potts  
@stark @beterbarker You two are a nightmare. No more social media until I clean this up.

beter @beterbarker  
@potts sorry Ms. Potts

lo @logansjam  
wow i wish pepper potts could ground me

ro @selfhatredcentral  
@logansjam stop being thirsty on main

****************************************************************************

beter @beterbarker  
@potatomechanic are you coming back any time soon?

harley? @potatomechanic  
@beterbarker is tony being mean to you again?

beter @beterbarker  
@potatomechanic yeah he closed off my access to the labs and i can’t make us those lightsabers

harley? @potatomechanic  
@stark he’s my only friend. don’t make him sad

Tin Can Man @stank  
He changed my name, he deserves this.

beter @beterbarker  
jokes on you the only thing i deserve is death.

harley? @potatomechanic  
darlin,,,, no

lea @spiderstan  
Is anyone going to acknowledge that Tony Stark knows another random kid?

ari @nonbinaryroyalty  
lol apparently

harley? @potatomechanic  
he crashed into my garage when i was eleven and he felt guilty for it so here i am

ari @nonbinaryroyalty  
@stank fact check?

Tin Can Man @stank  
Unfortunately, yes.

ari @nonbinaryroyalty  
Great news, everybody! Tony Stark replied to me and I have a will to live!

Caw Caw Bitch @bestbird  
@beterbarker please don’t change the names back, I physically cannot live without this name.

beter @beterbarker  
you’re welcome :)

brochacho barnes @metal.arm  
I have no idea what this means

snek @mischeifmanaged  
I, personally, think mine’s amazing

Tin Can Man @stank  
Peter, don’t listen to him. Change them back.

Caw Caw Bitch @bestbird  
Sir, that is my emotional support username

*********************************************************************

beter @beterbarker  
on an unrelated note, did you know that most laughs we hear on tv were recorded in the 1650s so most of the people we hear are dead!

mj @yourenotallowed  
This may be an interesting fact to most people, but I hear dead people laughing all the time.

beter @beterbarker  
hey, mj.

beter @beterbarker  
what the fuck does that mean?


	2. peter is a disaster bi (among other things)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harley arrives and peter's a mess.

Private Message  
harley? and beter

harley?: hey hey hey hey

harley?: guess what

beter: what did you do??

harley?: what?

harley?: why do you assume i did something wrong?

beter: it’s kind of your trademark

harley?: rude

harley?: anyways.

harley?: i’m moving into stark towers

beter: f i n a l l y

beter: how long will you be staying?

harley?: uh, forever, i think? if tony doesn’t kick me out sooner

beter: chill chill chill

beter: wait what about your mom and abby?

harley?: mom wants abby to stay with her at least until she’s out of high school

beter: you’re not even out of high school???

harley?: shhhhhhh

harley?: also i’m enrolling at midtown so she’s okay with it

beter: fucking YEET

beter: so you’re moving in with Mr. Stark?

harley?: why do you still call him that?

beter: lmao it makes him feel old

harley?: nice

beter: i’m also still upset with him for 10:30 curfew

harley?: why do you even need a curfew?

harley?: it’s not like you’re gonna get in trouble while at ned’s

beter: haha

beter: yes

beter: anyways, when are you coming?

harley?: thursday

beter: harley, that’s t o m o r r o w

harley?: your point?

beter: yeah that’s fair

**************************************************

mj @yourenotallowed  
@beterbarker you’re late for decathlon. get here before i make flash replace you.

beter @beterbarker  
@yournotallowed hold on just a couple of minutes i’m a little busy.

flash @toofastforyou  
@beterbarker i stg hurry up i can’t handle anymore of ned and mj

**************************************************

Team Red Updates! @trupdates  
Spiderman, Deadpool, and Daredevil were just seen fighting against the Taskmaster. Make sure to steer clear of Canal street on your daily commute!

***************************************************

“Hey, Karen? Could you send a message to “spiderlings” saying Flash will have to fill in for me during decathlon today?” Peter shouted over Wade’s yelling.

“Wow, what a nerd!”

“Shut up, Wade!”

**************************************************

Group Message to “spiderlings”  
“mj” and “May the force be with you” and “flash” and “beter”

beter: okay flash you’re gonna have to fill in for decathlon today

mj: why?

beter: have you checked the fucking news?

mj: oh yeah

mj: don’t get killed

flash: yeah don’t die

mj: flash get off your phone

flash: yup

*************************************************

Caw Caw Bitch @bestbird  
@beterbarker You’re no longer my friend :(

beter @beterbarker  
@bestbird what did i do?

Caw Caw Bitch @bestbird  
@beterbarker You ate the last of @metal.arm ‘s cookies :(

beter @beterbarker  
@bestbird that wasn’t me!! it was nat!

flash @toofastforyou  
@beterbarker @bestbird wow way to keep your friendship on the dl guys

beter @beterbarker  
@toofastforyou @bestbird oops

Salt n Peppa @potts  
On an unrelated note, I’m now going to kill everyone in this tower.

pat! @pattoncake  
@potts was it @stank ?

Salt n Peppa @potts  
@pattoncake Who else would it be?

beter @beterbarker  
@potts @stank mr. stark you about to die

Salt n Peppa @potts  
@stank @beterbarker Don’t think this isn’t your fault too

beter @beterbarker  
@stank @potts barton you snitch

Caw Caw Bitch @bestbird  
@stank @potts @beterbarker it’s what you fucking deserve

Ice Pop @capsicle  
@bestbird Language.

*****************************************************************  
Private Message  
“harley?” and “beter”

harley?: why is pepper out for blood?

beter: we blew up an entire floor of the tower lol

harley?: nice

harley?: but why

beter: we were testing Spider-Man’s new suit and we fucked it up

beter: like big time

harley?: are you okay???

beter: lmao not really

beter: dum-e was damaged and now i’m sad :(((

harley?: y’know

harley?: when i ask if you’re okay

harley?: and you say no

harley?: you don’t f u c k i n g r e s p o n d a b o u t a f u c k i n g r o b o t

harley?: y o u g i v e m e h e a d a c h e s

beter: oopsies

beter: also your gay is showing

harley?: only for you ;(

beter: hsdkfshdn

******************************************************************************

harley? @potatomechanic  
the bitch is back

beter @beterbarker  
@potatomechanic w h e r e a r e y o u

harley? @potatomechanic  
@beterbarker c l o s e r t h a n y o u t h i n k

*******************************************************************************

“Harley, you know I can see you behind the couch?”

“Fuck.”

*******************************************************************************

Group Message to “spiderlings”  
“mj” and “May the force be with you” and “flash” and “beter”

beter: okay yeah ned you’re being replaced

May the force be with you: Why?!!

mj: he’s a bisexual disaster for the southern kid that stark just adopted

flash: lmao loser

flash: wait no mj don’t kill me

beter: he’s just,,,, really pretty,,,

beter: and he has a southern accent and i literally have no defenses against that

beter: h e l p

May the force be with you: Peter has a bisexual crisis every other week

May the force be with you: I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be okay

beter: but he’s d i f f e r e n t

beter: he’s s o u t h e r n

beter: a n d r i d i c u l o u s l y h o t

mj: flash it’s okay you can make fun of him

mj: he deserves it for being late to practice

flash: nah he could kill me too

mj: yeah but he won’t

mj: you’re part of the group now

flash: aw

flash: <3333

mj: don’t push it

****************************************************

beter @beterbarker  
oh, sure, when SPIDERMAN leaps from rooftop to rooftop, performing death-defying extreme parkour stunts as he swings through the city, he’s “a hero” and “protecting the city”, but when i do it i’m “illegally trespassing on private property” and “a menace to society”, THAT’S how it is, huh,

Tin Can Man @stank  
@beterbarker Headaches, kid. Headaches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter! i made flash a more prominent character because i think he's an interesting character. yeah, he knows about spiderman, it's fine. lmao harley doesn't but it's chill.
> 
> follow my tumblr if you want it's @moonjuicewiththeory
> 
> so yeah. can't promise consistent updates but it's chill.


	3. i just took a dna test, turns out i'm 100% that bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dna tests are done. peter panics. gay shit occurs.
> 
> sorry for all the dialogue, i thought it was kind of a necessity for all of this. sorry.

caw caw @bestbird

okay but are we sure that @beterbarker isn’t @stank’s son?

Tony Stark @stank

@beterbarker @birdbrain Okay please don’t start another scandal I’m still recovering from last month

caw caw @bestbird

@beterbarker @stank never forget

peet @beterbarker

@stank @bestbird lmao what are you guys talking about

caw caw @bestbird

@stank @beterbarker i just think it’s fishy that peter looks like a child version of tony

caw caw @bestbird

@stank @beterbarker and you’re both really smart

caw caw @bestbird

@stank @beterbarker and you lITERALLY HAVE A FATHER-SON RELATIONSHIP DUDE I CANNOT BELIEVE

Tony Stark @stank

@beterbarker @bestbird Why are we even talking about this on twitter? Let’s just settle this in person.

* * *

“Clint, I swear to god, you are wasting my time.” Tony groaned and let his head thunk on the coffee table.

“Please? Give in to my curiosity, just this once.” Clint whined from the couch.

Peter laughed. “It’s not like anything will come out of it. I think we’d know if we were related. It was kind of a part of the whole adoption thing.”

“But that takes all the fun out of it!” He gasped, rolling off the couch. “What if we find out some long lost secret about you?”

“Through his blood?” Harley snorted.

“Shut up, you know what I mean! Besides, aren’t you just a little curious?” 

“Clint, there are four facts that I definitely know,” Peter sat up. “One: FRIDAY can one hundred percent be hacked in to, despite what Mr. Stark says. Two: Tony hates being called Mr. Stark. Three: Spider-Man can stick to non-stick pans. Four: Richard and Mary Parker are my parents, despite what you say,” Peter shrugged. “It’s just facts.” 

“Kid, is that why you call me Mr. Stark? Just to get on my nerves?” 

“At first, it was just me, but Harley thought it was funny so I kept doing it.” Peter laughed before cut off by Harley throwing a pillow at him.

“Traitor!”

Tony just rolled his eyes. “Hey, Fri, run our blood samples against each others?”

“Sure thing, Short Stack.” FRIDAY’s voice echoed throughout the room.

“What the fuck, Clint?”

“Thanks, Tony!” Clint grinned.

“I swear to god, I indulge in too many of your curiosities.”

“Not enough, if you ask me.”

“Boss, Mr. Parker’s DNA seems to have a 48% match to yours.”

“Wait, what the fuck?”

* * *

Salt n Peppa @potts

All meetings with @stank have been canceled today due to personal reasons. We apologize for the short notice but hope you understand.

Salt n Peppa @potts

Also, if you have seen Clint Barton, please let him know that he’s a dead man.

caw caw @bestbird

@potts I DIDN’T KNOW HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW

* * *

Private Message

“harls” to “peet”

harls: hey are you okay?

harls: you just kind of

harls: y’know

harls: screamed and left

peet: i don’t know

peet: i can’t really process what just happened

peet: like what the fuck

peet: what the fuck just happened

harls: where are you?

harls: sorry i’m just worried about you

peet: i’m on the roof just kind of thinking

peet: wait that sounds bad i wasn’t thinking about that

harls: good i was about to lose my shit

harls: can i come up there?

peet: yeah just don’t tell tony i’m up here

peet: i don’t really want to talk to him rn

harls: alright

harls: on my way up

* * *

“Hey, Peter? Can you maybe move away from that ledge?” Harley cautiously approached him.

“Oh, yeah,” Peter shuffled back. “Sorry, I just like the view from up here.”

“Are you okay? Cause that was kind of a big thing that happened.”

“Can we just sit here? I really don’t wanna talk about that right now.”

Harley sat next to Peter, leaning up against him and resting his head on his shoulder. They sat there for a few minutes, just watching the city before Peter spoke again.

“Do you think he’s disappointed?” He whispered.

“I don’t think he could ever be disappointed in you. He already loves you and literally nothing can change that.”

“You really think so?”

“Darlin, I know so. Tony would do anything for you.”

“Really?” 

“Hell yeah. You’re the best person. I don’t think anyone could ever hate you.”

“I think I’m ready to go back down now.” Peter stood up.

“Remember, whatever happens, I’ll always be there for you.”

“Thanks, Harley.”

“No problem, darlin.”

* * *

Private Message

“beter” and “Tony Stark”

beter: hey mr. dad can I make a twitter for Spiderman

Tony Stark: In what world would that be a good idea?

beter: blease?

Tony Stark: No.

beter: please?

Tony Stark: No.

beter: please?

Tony Stark: no

beter: if Pepper says yes can i do it?

Tony Stark: She’s not going to say yes, so knock yourself out.

* * *

Biderman @spidey

hey.

Tony Stark @stank

@spidey @potts You let him do it??

Salt n Peppa @potts

@stank @spidey He’s going to do less damage than you.

Biderman @spidey

@stank @potts <3333

Salt n Peppa @potts

@stank @spidey <3333

* * *

emma @onelesbianplease

@spidey do you know @stank ‘s other kid?

Biderman @spidey

@onelesbianplease @stank lol yeah he’s a little bitch

i hate spiderman @beterbarker

@onelesbianplease @spidey @stank you’re the little bitch

Biderman @spidey

@onelesbianplease @stank @beterbarker no u

i hate spiderman @beterbarker

@onelesbianplease @stank @spidey no u

Biderman @spidey

@onelesbianplease @stank @beterbarker no u

i hate spiderman @beterbarker

@onelesbianplease @stank @spidey no u

Biderman @spidey

@onelesbianplease @stank @beterbarker no u

emma @onelesbianplease

@stank @beterbarker @spidey hey,, uh,, as much as i love this beef, can you stop using this chain? i don’t like all these notifications.

i hate spiderman @beterbarker

@stank @spidey @onelesbianplease oof sorry

Biderman @spidey

@stank @beterbarker @onelesbianplease sorry :(

* * *

  
  


i hate spiderman @beterbarker

friendly reminder that i hate spiderman

Biderman @spidey

@beterbarker why do you hate me??

i hate spiderman @beterbarker

@spidey because you keep stealing Mr. Stark away from me :(

Biderman @spidey

@beterbarker Mr. Stark doesn’t like you

i hate spiderman @beterbarker

@spidey he likes me better than you

Biderman @spidey

@beterbarker bitch no one likes you you’re fucking UGLY

harley? @potatomechanic

@spidey @beterbarker i like you

i love harley @beterbarker

@spidey @potatomechanic <3333

i love peter @potatomechanic

@spidey @beterbarker <33333333

Biderman @spidey

@beterbarker @potatomechanic ew

i love harley @beterbarker

@potatomechanic @spidey fUCK OFF I’M TRYING TO BE CUTE

  
  


* * *

virgil @conspiracycentral

lmao @beterbarker and @spidey give off huge married couple vibes

peet @beterbarker

@conspiracycentral i would NEVER betray @potatomechanic with a loser such as @spidey

harls @potatomechanic

@conspiracycentral @spidey @beterbarker love you too darlin

peet @beterbarker

@conspiracycentral @spidey @potatomechanic lskdfhsdlf

* * *

Private Message

“Tony Stark” and “harls”

Tony Stark: Is there a reason Peter just tried to jump off the balcony while screaming something about southern people?

harls: lmao i called him darlin’

Tony Stark: Jesus Christ

Tony Stark: He’s already a disaster bisexual without you around

harls: i just like making him flustered

harls: plus it’s not like he’s interested or anything

Tony Stark: You two are dumbasses

harls: lol what does that mean

harls: tony what does that mean

harls: tony seriously though

harls: tony what the fuck does that mean

* * *

virgil @conspiracycentral

lol @beterbarker and @spidey seem like they hate each other but what if it was a cover thing and they were the same person

This tweet has been deleted for going against community guidelines

virgil @conspiracycentral

[ screenshot.jpg ] sfhgxhffkgx wHAT

* * *

abby @akeener

friendly reminder that @potatomechanic is the WORST person in the world

harls @potatomechanic

@akeener what did i do????

abby @akeener

@potatomechanic you left me in tennessee for your boyfriend that’s what you did

harls @potatomechanic

@akeener first? (unfortunately) not my boyfriend. second? he’s not interested. third? It’s your fault for being a baby.

harls @potatomechanic

@akeener wait you’re eleven how do you have twitter

abby @akeener

@potatomechanic if you tell mom i tell mom

harls @potatomechanic

@akeener you fucking wouldn’t

abby @akeener

@potatomechanic oh i would

harls @potatomechanic

@akeener f i n e

abby @akeener

@potatomechanic f i n e

* * *

  
  


Private Message

“peet” and “harls”

peet: hey uh

harls: oh god you saw that

peet: yeah

harls: i’m so sorry

harls: that was really wrong of me and i stepped completely out of my boundaries

harls: dude i’m so sorry

harls: i understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore

peet: wait what?

peet: i thought you knew?

harls: about what?

peet: i thought you knew that i like you

peet: like romantic styles

harls: sorry w h a t

harls: also b99 nice

peet: you didn’t fucking know?

harls: why the fuck would i know?

harls: plus i thought you liked mj?

peet: i don’t know?

peet: that’s why i was fucking confused?

peet: cause i saw the ‘not interested’ and flipped

peet: cause that was whack

peet: also mj’s a huge lesbian for shuri so

harls: wait so you’re not joking

harls: you actually like me

peet: yeah?

harls: cool cool cool

peet: are you okay?

harls: no i have big gay panic

peet: lmao

peet: wait no don’t panic

peet: i’m sorry

harls: no it’s not your fault

harls: it’s just people don’t really like me as a person

harls: much less romantically

harls: so i’m kinda spooked

peet: those people are idiots

peet: you’re the best person i’ve ever met

harls: dude you’re so nice

harls: like it should be illegal

peet: i just,,,,, really like you

harls: i really like you too

peet: so uh

peet: where do we go from here?

harls: can i maybe take you on a date?

harls: only if you want though

peet: sure!

peet: i’d love to!

harls: can we maybe go to that cafe you’re always talking about?

peet: heck yeah!

* * *

harls @potatomechanic

city boy’s kinda cute  [ _ attatched is a picture of Peter laughing behind a cup of coffee. _ ]

peet @beterbarker

@potatomechanic you’re not so bad yourself  [ _ attatched is a picture of Harley winking at someone behind the camera, presumably Peter. _ ]

harls @potatomechanic

@beterbarker <3

peet @beterbarker

@potatomechanic <3

Tony Stark @stank

@beterbarker @potatomechanic Thanks for finally getting your heads out of your asses!

Iea @riverlea

@beterbarker @potatomechanic @stank wait, i’m confused. what happened?

Tony Stark @stank

@beterbarker @potatomechanic @riverlea They’ve been pining for literal years, and it’s been pissing me off.

lea @riverlea

@beterbarker @potatomechanic @stank ah yes, the dreaded gay pining

* * *

Sparky @pointbreak

Why does Titan only have 2 moons now?

lo @logansjam

@pointbreak explain?

Sparky @pointbreak

@logansjam There used to be 3. Now there are only 2?

Tony Stark @stank

@logansjam @pointbreak Oh yeah, Thanos threw one at me.

Ice Pop @capsicle

@logansjam @pointbreak @stank Sorry, what?

Tony Stark @stank

@logansjam @pointbreak @capsicle Thanos threw a moon at me.

Ice Pop @capsicle

@logansjam @pointbreak @stank Excuse me? He threw a moon at you?

Tony Stark @stank

@logansjam @pointbreak @capsicle It broke, but I’m okay.

Tony Stark @stank

@logansjam @pointbreak @capsicle I told him not to do it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, i wanted to make the pining longer, but i got impatient so yeah. also, the title is from a lizzo song, because i'm a basic bitch. sorry this took so long, i was on a two-week vacation out of the country, so i feel like i have justification.
> 
> tell me if i made a mistake. i promise i probably won't cry.
> 
> follow me on tumblr @zero-grams-trans-fat and talk to me if you want. i'm lonely, so go bother me.
> 
> yeah.


	4. take your ass home and come back when you're grown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trouble in (not so) paradise for everyone

Group Message to “Avengers”

“caw caw” and “Natasha” and “Ice Pop” and “buck buck” and “Witchy Bitchy” and “Eye” and “bird #2” and “Sparky” and “snek” and “green bean” and “Tony Stark”

Tony Stark: I’m about to do something stupid.

caw caw: when don’t you

“Tony Stark” has added “peet”

peet: what the fuck

buck buck: who the fuck

caw caw: why the fuck

Ice Pop: Tony, who is this?

peet: read my name dude

Ice Pop: Peet?

Ice Pop: That means nothing to me.

peet: yeah i mean nothing to a lot of people

Tony Stark: Kid, what have we talked about?

peet: listen i know i’m not supposed to be self-deprecating but honestly i’ve given up

caw caw: wait is he the one?

Tony Stark: Which one?

caw caw: sticky?

peet: lol yeah

Tony Stark: Yes.

peet: so uh

peet: why am i here?

Tony Stark: Do you want to tell them?

peet: really?!

peet: uh okay sure.

peet: so have you guys seen my twitter?

Ice Pop: I believe so.

buck buck: Yeah.

Sparky: Yes, Starkson!

Tony Stark: Woah, hold on what

peet: i mean you’re not wrong

snek: hey kid

peet: hi mr loki!!!

Natasha: peter don’t tell steve

peet: oh okay then

“peet” has kicked “Ice Pop” out of the chat.

Witchy Bitchy: oh wow, go off I guess.

peet: i sometimes forget that you’re not old like everyone else and then you say things like that

bird #2: Why did you kick Steve out?

peet: momma spider told me to

peet: and she’s big scary

peet: so

peet: can you not tell him rn?

buck buck: kid, there’s lots of things I don’t tell him, I hardly think some kid’s secret is gonna set me over the edge.

peet: okay alright then

peet: i’m actually iron man

caw caw: i knew that bitch stark was a fraud

Tony Stark: Kid, please don’t start any more rumors.

Tony Stark: Also, tell them the truth.

peet: ur not my dad

peet: wait i can’t even make that joke anymore wtf

bird #2: Wait this was the kid from twitter?

peet: depends

peet: which kid from twitter are you thinking of

bird #2: Uh, the one with your screen name?

peet: oh yeah lol

peet: but anyways

peet: my name’s peter parker

peet: and i’m spider-man

buck buck: wait, steve dropped an airport terminal on a sixteen-year-old?

peet: how do you know i’m sixteen?

buck buck: no reason.

Tony Stark: Did you just stalk my kid?

“peet” has changed “Tony Stark”’s name to “stank man”

stank man: Why???

peet: your name was boring

buck buck: i mean yeah

buck buck: natasha’s probably done it too

Natasha: it was one of the first things i did when i first saw him in the tower

Natasha: also

“Natasha” has changed “Natasha”’s name to “momma spider”

peet: awww

peet: <33333

bird #2: Kid, I would not do that if I were you.

momma spider: <3

bird #2: WAIT WHAT THE FUCK????

peet: ????

momma spider: unlike you, he’s not a dick

caw caw: wow okay rude

momma spider: clint you’re like my best friend but you’re still the worst

caw caw: love you too nat

momma spider: literally go die

* * *

peet @beterbarker

GUYS I MADE NEW FRIENDS

get that @nutjuice

@beterbarker i’m gonna be completely honest, i still have no idea who you are

get that @nutjuice

@beterbarker @nutjuice like you just showed up and started talking to literal celebrities and no one questioned it?? like wtf????

peet @beterbarker

@beterbarker @nutjuice lmao i’m mr. stark’s intern and it just kinda. escalated from there.

get that @nutjuice

@nutjuice @beterbarker but @starkindustries only hires college graduates?

stank man @stank

@beterbarker @nutjuice First, your name makes me very uncomfortable. Second, his project from his science fair impressed the shit out of the scouts, and he got a part-time internship here. Of course, when I saw a fourteen-year-old kid working with college-level people, I was weirded out, and then invited him to work with me in my lab.

get that @nutjuice

@nutjuice @beterbarker @stank okay wow, you could have just said that he impressed you.

stank man @stank

@stank @beterbaker @nutjuice Yeah, but since people are really fucking nosey and ask a lot of questions I answer a lot of them.

get that @nutjuice

@nutjuice @beterbarker @stank cool cool cool no doubt no doubt

* * *

Group Message to “Avengers”

“caw caw” and “momma spider” and “buck buck” and “Witchy Bitchy” and “Eye” and “bird #2” and “Sparky” and “snek” and “green bean” and “stank man” and “peet”

bird #2: Can we add Steve back in the chat?

peet: lmao why

bird #2: Because he’s the only one that actually likes me.

peet: what about mr. bucky?

buck buck: ew no i hate that guy

bird #2: Okay, WOW

Witchy Bitchy: i mean yeah, sam’s a bitch

bird #2: What have I done to you?

Witchy Bitchy: you ate my fucking hot pockets

peet: oh dang

stank man: Oh dang indeed.

stank man: However,

“stank man” has added “Ice Pop” into the chat.

stank man: Sorry.

Ice Pop: It’s okay.

stank man: Oh, not to you, I was saying sorry to the others for adding you in the chat.

Ice Pop: Oh.

bird #2: Steve!

Ice Pop: Sam!

buck buck: Bucky!

bird #2: ???

buck buck: you’d think that your best friend for over a hundred years would greet you but noooo.

buck buck: he says hi to his bird bitch first.

Ice Pop: Hi, Bucky!

buck buck: hey i guess

peet: and people say i’m petty

Ice Pop: I still don’t know who you are?

peet: oh yeah lol

peet: dude i’m spider-man

Ice Pop: Very funny, I know Stark’s not that irresponsible.

stank man: Okay, WOW

peet: lmao what makes you think that

peet: also super not joking

Ice Pop: Are you serious, Stark?

Ice Pop: How old is this kid?

peet: old enough to beat your ass

peet: also just look at my twitter

Ice Pop: HE’S SIXTEEN????

buck buck: you literally faked your age and medical history to fight in WWII but yeah sure, yell at the kid who has actual superpowers.

Ice Pop: But how is this allowed?

Ice Pop: How is no one mad about this?

peet: it’s because no one outside of this chat knows about it, other than my aunt and close friends

peet: and i intend to keep it that way

stank man: Wait, does Harley know?

peet: uh

peet: whoops?

stank man: Kid, you’re dating someone who doesn’t know you’re Spiderman?

peet: *spider-man

peet: i guess i forgot in the moment??

peet: i was going to tell him before, but then things just kinda happened

caw caw: you should go do that

peet: yeah hold on i’ll be right back

stank man: Wait, aren’t you in school?

* * *

Group Message to “spiderlings”

“peet” to “nedward” to “sonic” to “mj”

“peet” has added “harls” to the chat.

peet: hey harley i’m spider-man

harls: dlskajf;lakjsdfl;kjasd;lkfj WHAT

* * *

Group Message to “Avengers”

“caw caw” and “Natasha” and “Ice Pop” and “buck buck” and “Witchy Bitchy” and “Eye” and “bird #2” and “Sparky” and “snek” and “green bean” and “Tony Stark” and “peet”

peet: it has been done

stank man: He’s literally screaming? What did you do?

peet: i told him

stank man: Over text?

peet: i’m not remotely near him?? how else would i do it???

stank man: I thought you would do it when you got home! Not right now!

peet: oops??

caw caw: lmao you’re sleeping on the couch tonight

peet: we don’t even share a room?

caw caw: you must do it out of tradition

caw caw: tony does it every time he pisses off pepper, i do it when i piss of laura, even scott does it when he pisses off hope

caw caw: you have to do it

peet: my lumbar problems are going to be the death of me

stank man: You’re literally a superhero do not give me that shit.

peet: by the way where is scott?

stank man: We don’t really allow him in here

peet: why

stank man: He’s not technically an Avenger

peet: that’s so mean!

peet: i have a compromise

“peet” renamed the chat “Avengers” to “assvengers”

“peet” has added “bug boy” to the chat.

peet: there now it isn’t technically an avenger’s chat, it’s the assvenger’s chat

bug boy: HOLY SHIT

bug boy: finally!

bug boy: wait what about team red?

peet: WAIT WADE’S GONNA FREAK

“peet” has added “ =＾● ⋏ ●＾= ”

=＾● ⋏ ●＾= : peter parker you fucking genius

=＾● ⋏ ●＾= : i’ve been trying to talk to these bitches for literal YEARS

=＾● ⋏ ●＾= : where’s dd?

peet: i guarantee double d does not want to be added in here

=＾● ⋏ ●＾= : nah red would freak out. he doesn’t like your friends very much

stank man: What the fuck have you done.

=＾● ⋏ ●＾= : HI!!!!!!!!!! ILYSM!!!!!!!!!!

stank man: How do you know Peter’s identity?

peet: dw mr. stark i told him and daredevil

stank man: Why on earth would you tell Deadpool and Daredevil who you are?

peet: we’ve been working together way before i ever met you, so i’d say i trust them more than anyone here.

=＾● ⋏ ●＾= : awwww! love you too!

=＾● ⋏ ●＾= : i’m gonna leave thought because the author is getting real tired of having to write out my name. Cia!

“ =＾● ⋏ ●＾= ” has left the chat.

stank man: What the hell?

peet: yeah sometime’s he’s like that

stank man: No, I’ve dealt with him before. My question is why on earth are you hang out with a mercenary and a murderer?

peet: you say that like there aren’t three assassins in this chat

stank man: But they’ve changed! They don’t kill people anymore!

caw caw: well actually

caw caw: believe it or not i still do my job

momma spider: yeah no i still go on those missions

peet: plus i’ve been working on wade with him not killing people!

peet: he’s two months clean!

stank man: What about Daredevil?

caw caw: nah i know daredevil he’s chill

peet: plus all the people double d’s killed have been really bad people!

stank man: Are you sure you’re safe with these people?

peet: i trust them with my life

stank man: Cool. Also, deal with your boyfriend.

peet: sHIT

* * *

Group Message to “spiderlings”

“peet” and “mj” and “nedward” and “sonic” and “harls”

mj: peter what the fuck???

sonic: son you done fucked up

mj: you can’t just do that to people?

peet: mr. stark said to!

harls: why didn’t you just tell me before????

peet: i forgot!

harls: i’m not even mad the whole texting thing, i’m mad at you for not telling me!

harls: like dude what the fuck????

harls: do you not trust me?

peet: no no no!

peet: i trust you so much!!

peet: i’m just scared

harls: of what?

harls: you know i won’t get mad at you

peet: i just don’t want you to get hurt

peet: like at all

peet: if anyone knew that you knew you’d be in immediate danger

peet: and i just can’t take that

harls: darlin nothing is going to happen

harls: it’s gonna be okay

harls: i promise

peet: i’m sorry

harls: i know

sonic: okay jesus christ i have no idea who you are or what the fuck's going on

nedward: flash i stg sHUT THE FUCK UP

sonic: O KAY JEEZ

* * *

Private Message

"peet" and "harls"

harls: i really do like you

harls: like kind of an alarming amount

harls: and i know your probably asleep right now

harls: but i hope you know that it's gonna be okay

harls: nothing's gonna happen to me darlin

harls: you're gonna keep me safe

* * *

Private Message

"stank man" and "roday"

stank man: A pet rock is a fun pet until you realize that it's essentially immortal and you've damned it to an eternity of watching its loved ones die

roday: tony please stop texting me at three in the morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i lied all of the titles are gonna be lizzo references whether you like it or not. fuck you. 
> 
> yeah this was kind of a filler chapter. sue me. i can't really see rn because i broke my glasses so i have an excuse.
> 
> also that last part was maybe foreshadowing (dun dun) whoops
> 
> follow me on tumblr @moonjuicewiththeory if you want. 
> 
> cool.


	5. sorry

hey sorry for no updates for a while. i live in texas so my house is kinda flooded, so yeah. i’m doing this on my phone because my laptop got waterlogged. things are really not great right now, and this isn’t my top priority at the moment. i’m gonna eventually update this again but it’s just really hard right now. literally everything is gone and i just don’t know what to do.  
sorry.


	6. i think he got lost in my dm's (what?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a bitch is back and not a lot happens admittedly
> 
> this chapter actually sucks and i hate it. sorry to disappoint.

author @moonjuicewiththepresident

hey hey hey sorry about the slow stuff lately. shitty things are happening right now and i’m glad there are people on here that are nice. thank you.

* * *

harry @osbored

the bitch is back

peet @beterbarker

@osbored BITCH YOU’RE ACTUALLY BACK?????

harry @osbored

@osbored @beterbarker lmao i leave you for ONE minute and you already got a boyfriend i see how it is (jkjk ily)

peet @beterbarker

@beterbarker @osbored lmao no it’s chill!!!!!! dude we need to see each other again!!!!

harry @osbored

@osbored @beterbarker dude where’s ned???

nedward @guyinthechair

@beterbarker @osbored !!!!!

harry @osbored

@osbored @beterbarker @guyinthechair !!!!!!!!!!

stank man @Stank

@guyinthechair @osbored @beterbarker How dare you.

peet @beterbarker

@guyinthechair @osbored @beterbarker @Stank ??????

stank man @Stank

@guyinthechair @osbored @Stank @beterbarker You’re siding with the enemy.

harry @osbored

@guyinthechair @beterbarker @osbored @Stank lmao okay boomer

peet @beterbarker

@guyinthechair @Stank @beterbarker @osbored you’re about to get a strongly worded letter from si

harry @osbored

@guyinthechair @Stank @osbored @beterbarker do it i don’t give a h*ck

harry @osbored

@guyinthechair @Stank @osbored @beterbarker i’m already bound to oscorp anyways

peet @beterbarker

@guyinthechair @Stank @beterbarker @osbored big oof my dude

* * *

Group Message to “spook season”

“peet” and “nedward” and “sonic” and “mj”

“peet” has added “harry” to the chat.

peet: harry, meet the spook group!!!

mj: osborn

harry: jones

sonic: okay some wacky vibes going out rn

harls: i still have no idea what’s goin on

peet: oh yeah lol

peet: harry used to go to high school with us before getting in an accident and his dad shipped him out to europe

harls: ah okay chill

harry: i have no idea who sonic or harls are

sonic: i have no idea who harry and harls are

harls: i now have no idea who sonic is

peet: uhhh just look up harry osborn; look up ‘midtown high student gets attacked by pigeons’ for flash; just look up ‘mysterious children close to tony stark’ for my boyfriend. there’s kinda a lot of pictures of harley and i just hangin around stark.

harry: how do you even know stark????

harls: uh oh

harls: are you gonna tell him at a normal h*cking time rather than telling him two weeks into your relationship or what

nedward: oh wow

sonic: dang he popped off

mj: to be fair, yeah

peet: i did not ask for this

harry: uh

harry: what the fuck

peet: i’m spider-man my dude

harry: ah so you’re the dude who got my dad arrested

peet: 

peet: oops?

harry: nah it’s chill

harry: he wasn’t nice

sonic: can either harls or harry change their screen name because i keep mixing you guys up

harls: sigh

harls: fine

“harls” has changed their name to “ ( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)”

( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ): is that better

nedward: NO THAT IS NOT BETTER

nedward: FLASH WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ): ( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)

( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ): what’s wrong, nedward?

( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ): is there an issue?

mj: it’s truly spooky season

peet: it's not even spooky season anymore

mj: it's always spooky season in my heart

sonic: oh n o

peet: harley p l e a s e

peet: change it

“( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)” has changed their name to “stark’s favorite child”

stark’s favorite child: is this better?

peet: i mean yeah, you’re right

stark’s favorite child: darlin no

stark’s favorite child: you’re literally the nicest human being

stark’s favorite child: stark’s favorite child is still very much you

“stark’s favorite child” has changed their name to “country boy”

peet: wait hold on

“peet” has changed their name to “city boy”

country boy: <33333

city boy: <33333

harry: yuck yuck yuck

harry: affection? gross. 

mj: shut up loser

harry: no and you can’t make me

* * *

city boy @beterbarker

do you think i would be able to grow limbs back or would that be too wacky

* * *

Private Message

“country boy” to “city boy”

country boy: hey uh i think you posted on the wrong account

city boy: oh shit

city boy: whoops

country boy: eh like it matters anyways

country boy: people post stupid shit like that every single day

city boy: lmao yeah ig

city boy: mr. stark’s gonna get mad at me though

country boy: hold on

* * *

country boy @potatomechanics

so hypothetically,,,, could spider-man just wear a spider-man halloween costume for a day? would anyone even notice? asking for a friend btw

* * *

Private Message

“city boy” to “country boy”

city boy: oh my god mr. stark is gonna be so mad at us

country boy: well then it’s a good thing that i don’t give a fuck

city boy: (but he did, in fact, give all the fucks)

country boy: it’s true i need constant validation

city boy: god what a mood

* * *

buck buck @metal.arm

every single time i talk to the avengers, the conversations get more and more strange

stank man @stank

@metal.arm You say ‘you people’ like you’re not part of the group. Well, I’ve got news for you, dumbass. You’re already on the Christmas card.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back with a not so bang. this chapter was used just to get back into the groove of things, so yes, i'm aware it sucks.
> 
> thanks to everyone who was concerned about me before, but i got everything in order. luckily we had flood insurance, because otherwise it would have sucked. i also got a new laptop so hopefully more content.
> 
> anyways.

**Author's Note:**

> hi. been super stressed about things lately and decided to take a break from my other projects and just have some fun.
> 
> this will be multi-chaptered and will basically be my emotional support writing. if you want to follow me on tumblr, it's @moonjuicewiththeory . it ain't much marvel, mostly sanders sides and good omens, but i try.
> 
> bye.


End file.
